


When You Look Like That

by msleviss



Category: SKAM (France)
Genre: Childhood Friends, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Mentions of Mental Illness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-29
Updated: 2020-02-29
Packaged: 2021-02-28 07:20:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,218
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22960066
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/msleviss/pseuds/msleviss
Summary: Lucas and Eliott are friends when they're children. Then they stop being friends. Then they become more than friends.(basically, your standard childhood friends to lovers fic)
Relationships: Eliott Demaury/Lucas Lallemant
Comments: 10
Kudos: 197





	When You Look Like That

**Author's Note:**

> There are a lot of flashbacks in this, so please note the ages!  
> I'm sander-driesen on tumblr. Thank you for reading, please let me know what you think!

**Now**

Lucas has no memory of meeting Eliott for the first time. He’s just always been _around_. And he’s been many things over the years: The cool guy, the guy he looked up to, the best friend, the guy who used to be his best friend, his crush. The way their friendship evolved over all these years, went through so many changes, but still persevered in the end, it makes Lucas smile. Makes him want to go look for Eliott right _now_ and hug him. Possibly kiss him. (Definitely kiss him.) Lucas scans the crowd in front of him, Eliott isn’t in sight.

He recently went through his parents’ old photo albums that his mother made when she still felt like his _mother_. It was an emotional experience. First, it was weird seeing his parents together looking _happy_. And second, there was Eliott. He was _everywhere_. There were barely any old photos of little Lucas without Eliott in them, starting at when he was around three or four. When he found one photo in particular – ten year old Eliott literally sitting on little Lucas’ back as if he wanted to crush him with his weight alone – he sent it to Eliott and Eliott ended up sending him this whole voice message about what he remembered about that day:

“Awww, that photo is the cutest thing in the world.” He giggled. “You know, I was thinking about that day the other day. I remember it like it was last week. I was at uni and we were talking about dealing with children on set, all the legalities and technicalities that relate to that and… anyway, the details don’t really matter. But it was weird because everyone was like ‘ahh, I don’t know how to take care of _children_ , working with children is the _worst_. They never fucking do what you want them to do!’ and so on. And that made me think of you. Because, like, that day, the day of that photo, I was making this whole movie about cowboys. It was this big action drama. And I tried to get my neighbor’s dog to play a horse and you were helping me film. But mom wouldn’t let me go ask for the dog, so you volunteered to play the horse. And it was so _funny_ , man. I mean you’re always tiny, but –” He stopped for a second, taking a big breath to keep from laughing out loud. He failed. “But Lucas, you were a _baby_ , you were so fucking small. But I made mom take the camera and I got on your back and you were neighing but then you tried to move, and I lifted up my legs and you just _crashed_.” He started laughing for a solid twenty seconds. “And I just sat there, like ‘my horse died, my horse died! Now I won’t be able to go fight for my lover’s heart!’ And then mom took that photo. Amazing.” He laughed some more. “Anyway, that photo made me remember so many little things, thank you for sending it to me. Okay, I should get back to work. Love you, see you later, byyyeee.”

Lucas listened to that voice message about five times (at _least_ ) and couldn’t wipe the grin off his face for the rest of the day.

It’s wild because Lucas doesn’t remember that day at all but after Eliott’s description his brain started tricking him into _thinking_ he remembers it. He’ll take it. He wishes he actually remembered.

Lucas knows all the stories his mother used to tell him, about how he would climb trees and refuse to come back down, how he would chase Eliott around the house and Eliott would pretend to hate it and complain to her, how he would run around supermarkets and hide from her. Lucas feels bad for stressing his mother out so much. He used to blame himself for her episodes, used to blame himself for his father leaving them, making Lucas question how happy his childhood really was. But now, Lucas being a little older now – twenty! He’s an adult! He’s a student, with a job and everything! – these memories make him smile, at least on good days. Especially since he’s started seeing his mother again a little more regularly.

It’s weird, thinking back. He knows Eliott remembers their first meeting, but he can’t always trust him. Eliott’s memory is, for lack of a better word, _fucked_. He always talks about Lucas being really shy and quiet in those early days. And how Eliott charmed his socks off the first time they met. Which just can’t be true because Lucas knows for a _fact_ that he was a “little demon child” – at least that’s what his parents always told him – and Eliott was _not_ charming. At least not when he was younger. But he feels like he remembers the story now, just because he’s heard it so many times now.

And when these early memories involve Eliott, even if they’re possibly fake, they’re usually good ones.

*

**Four and six (what really happened)**

On any normal Saturday, Lucas would be sitting in front of the TV right now, watching his cartoons. Staring at it for hours until his eyes hurt. He looks forward to Saturdays all week because his parents forbid him from watching TV during the week. But today is different. He’s at some stranger’s house because his mother is meeting a _friend_. And that _friend_ has a son and “aww, wouldn’t it be so cute if our sons became best friends?!” Lucas doesn’t think so. He wants to watch TV.

“Honey.” Lucas’ mother gets on her knees to make him look into her eyes. He’s standing in the hallway, hasn’t moved since he entered the house through the front door. His arms are crossed, and his eyes are wide, staring at the big entryway, everything in shades of white and grey. He doesn’t think he’s ever been in a house this big.

“This is Eliott”, his mother continues, and Lucas looks up and sees a boy standing on the bottom step of a stairway. “Do you wanna go hang out in this room?”

Lucas glimpses at the boy several times. He’s older than him is all he can think. Taller. His arms are crossed, too, and he isn’t looking at Lucas. Lucas shakes his head and takes a step forward to cling to his mother’s legs.

She makes a surprised noise.

Then he hears a second female voice. “Eliott, want to introduce yourself to your new friend?”

“No.”

“ _Eliott_.”

Lucas sees the boy approaching out of the corner of his eye. He stays hidden behind his mother’s legs.

“Hi”, the boy says. It doesn’t sound friendly. He’s taller than Lucas, has long brown hair and is holding a piece of paper in one hand and a little box with many different-colored pencils in the other. He looks at Lucas for a moment and then looks back at his mother.

“Eliott, honey, will you go upstairs with Lucas?”

Eliott groans. “ _Mom_.” He looks at his piece of paper. “I wanted to draw in the garden!”

Lucas pops his head between his mother’s legs and squints at the paper, trying to see what’s on it. He can’t quite make out what it is.

“Honey, Marie and I want to have some coffee on the terrace and have some adult-chats. You can draw in your room. Show Lucas your drawings maybe?”

Eliott groans loudly. He takes one more look down at his piece of paper and then sighs quietly. Then he turns around and goes upstairs, stomping his feet harder than necessary.

“Honey, you can just go follow him”, Eliott’s mother says and smiles.

Lucas glimpses at her. She’s wearing a pretty dress, her hair made up in a fancy way he doesn’t really understand. Her lips are bright red. He’s immediately intimidated by her.

“I swear, this has never happened before!”, Lucas’ mother says. “He’s usually the loudest and most obnoxiously active child I’ve ever met.”

Lucas is still hidden behind his mother’s legs, eyes big. Then he shakes his head in indignation. “I just want to go _home_ ”, he says to her. He’ll _show_ her loud. “I _hate_ it here. I want to watch TV and play my game. This is _stupid_.”

“ _Lucas_.” His mother’s voice is sterner now.

Not good.

“Go upstairs.”

He huffs and puffs, but finally does go upstairs, not without petulantly stomping on every step. Just like Eliott did. He hears the two women laugh, one of them saying “oh, they’ll definitely get along.” And _no_. He’s upset.

But when he’s finished loudly climbing up the stairs, he’s suddenly hesitant, all fake bravado gone. He stands in the hallway for what feels like an eternity, staring at the three doors in front of him. He has no idea which one is Eliott’s.

Suddenly, one of the doors opens and the door crashes against the wall with a BANG. Eliott stands in the doorway and looks at Lucas with an annoyed expression on his face. “You coming?” Then he walks back into the room and sits down at his desk. “Where _were_ you? I’ve been waiting _forever_.”

“Didn’t know which room”, Lucas mumbles. He looks around the room. There’s a bed and a desk and a wardrobe and some boxes full of games and toys. But mainly, there are drawings _everywhere._ He likes it immediately. And he’s also a little jealous.

“My name is literally on the door. I wrote it myself.”

“Oh.” Lucas can’t read yet, but he doesn’t say anything.

Eliott is leaning over his desk, his head nearly touching the surface.

“What are you doing?”, Lucas asks hesitantly.

“Drawing.”

“Cool, I like drawing.”

“Yeah.” Eliott sounds unimpressed.

“What are you drawing?”

Eliott rolls his eyes but looks up and lifts the piece of paper up for Lucas to see. “We’re supposed to draw our family for art class.”

“Your family are animals?”

“I tried to draw them for real, but I didn’t like the way they looked.” Eliott shrugs.

“Okay.” Lucas nods. “That makes sense.”

“Yeah, mom is a bird, see. She can do lots of things that no one else can do. You know, like fly and lay eggs and stuff. And dad is a bear. Because bears sleep a lot and my dad is gone for work a lot.”

Lucas’ eyes are big as he sees the colorful portraits of a bird and a bear, both the same height. “But a bird and a bear can’t get married.”

Eliott furrows his eyebrows. “Why not?”

“Because they’re different animals!”

“That’s so narrow-minded of you, Lucas. How _young_ are you?” Eliott shakes his head as if Lucas was beneath him.

“I’m _four_. I’m big!”

“Well, I’m _six_ and I already go to school, so you’re _a baby_ as far as _I’m_ concerned.” Eliott puts his drawing back down.

“And what animal are you?”, Lucas asks and takes a few steps closer, so he can see the drawing. Luckily Eliott’s desk is child-sized, so he can see what’s happening.

“I haven’t decided yet. Something colorful. I don’t know what animals do art, maybe I’ll ask mom later.”

Lucas decides that maybe Eliott isn’t too bad after all. “Do you want to be an artist when you grow up?”

That seems to be the right question because Eliott’s whole face suddenly lights up, his sour mood forgotten in an instant. He nods enthusiastically. “Yes! I’ve already done lots of arts! See? All of these are from my last year at kindergarten. I had to take all the others off the wall because they were just _bad_. I used to be so bad at this, but I’ve gotten so much better recently!” He gestures towards the wall the desk is standing against. It’s filled with A4 papers full of colorful animals, flowers, buildings and people. “I did a lot of watercolor recently, but I accidentally knocked over the water and mom took it away.”

“That’s so mean.”

“I know, right!”

Lucas smiles and Eliott’s mouth quirks up and he goes back to his drawing. Lucas turns on the spot, looking for somewhere to sit down or something to do.

Suddenly Eliott looks up. “Do you also want to draw something, Lucas?”

Lucas’ eyes go wide and a smile blooms on his face. “Yes!” Then he gets a little insecure. “But I’m nowhere _near_ as good as you.”

Eliott shakes his head and smiles kindly. “Lucas, it’s not about how _good_ you are. It’s about how it makes you _feel._ ”

Lucas smiles and nods. Eliott gets up, takes a piece of paper and some pencils and gives them to Lucas. He ruffles his hair (“Hey!”, Lucas yells.) and then sits down at his desk again. “Well you won’t get good if you don’t start.”

During the rest of the afternoon Lucas keeps stealing glances at the older boy. His thoughts escalate from _I guess he’s alright_ to _He’s pretty nice_ until, at the end of the night when his mother comes upstairs to tell him they’re going home, he decides that Eliott is the _coolest_ boy he’s ever met.

Maybe they can be friends if their mothers keep hanging out. Lucas hopes so.

*

**Now**

Lucas remembers his seventh birthday party; it was football themed. His mother had invited all of Lucas’ “friends” from school and Lucas had been too embarrassed to tell her that he didn’t really have any friends. Everyone just came for the cake and were a bit disappointed when there was no real garden, just a small patio to play football on. It made Lucas sad and he constantly felt like everyone was looking at him weird.

But Eliott came, too. And he was older, he was _already nine_. Basically an adult. And he played football with everyone else, running around, scoring goals for Lucas’ team. When the other kids started getting annoyed and started fighting because it was _unfair_ that the older kid played against them, claiming he had an advantage because he was taller. Lucas just smiled at him and was so, so happy that he was there. Eliott changed into the other team and played as the keeper. He once confided in Lucas and told him that he let Lucas win anyway, so he could look cool in front of his classmates.

Lucas smiles at the memory, hazy and contorted by time and other people’s stories as it is. He looks up and finally sees Eliott across the room, talking to some of his friends – _their_ friends, really. He’s holding a wine glass, pretentiously swirling the liquid occasionally and smelling it as if he’s at a wine tasting and not a lame university party. It takes every little bit of restraint Lucas can muster to not run towards him and kiss him. Force him to leave the party and go home. _No_. Instead, Lucas takes a swig of his beer, watches the people dancing in front of him, blocking his view of Eliott every once in a while.

“Dude, what are _you_ staring at?”

Lucas jerks and almost drops his beer. Yann is standing right next to him, wildly waving one of his hands in front of his face.

“Huh?”, Lucas asks dumbly.

“You looked like you were miles away.” Yann laughs and bumps his shoulder against Lucas’.

“Sorry, just thinking.” He shrugs, looking at Yann.

“About?”

“Stuff. Life.” He looks back to the wall, but Eliott is gone. He tries not to be disappointed. “Do you remember when we first met?”

Yann cocks his head at him, the question coming seemingly out of nowhere. “Uhh… yeah. First day of school. You looked lost and I felt bad for you.”

“You did _not_ ”, Lucas says, scandalized.

“I totally did! You were sitting there in the classroom all alone. The first person there, second row to the right.”

“That’s a _lot_ of details, Yann.”

“I was eleven! You remember important things when you’re eleven!”

“So meeting me was important, huh?”

Yann laughs and puts one arm around Lucas’ shoulder. “Dude, you’re my best friend.” He slaps the back of his neck and takes his arm away again. “I remember standing in the doorway and trying to figure out if I should sit next to _you_ or if I should wait for more people to come in, so I could have more options.”

“ _More options?_ ”, Lucas asks indignantly. “What the fuck?”

“Well… you know”, Yann shrugs and laughs. “Sitting next to you was like me deciding that you’d be my friend now. What if someone else came in right after you who could’ve been my best friend forever and I missed them because I made the mistake of sitting next to _you_? What if the love of my life was in that class and I never knew because I got there too early?”

Lucas giggles and shakes his head. “You’re an idiot.”

Yann pats Lucas’ shoulder. “I think I made the right decision though.”

“I think I’m gonna cry.”

Yann cackles and Lucas giggles some more.

There’s movement in the corner of his eye and Lucas glimpses to the side and sees Eliott coming out of the kitchen, now a glass of water in one hand, a cigarette in the other. He looks up just as Lucas spots him and he flashes him a smile. He raises his eyebrows, lifts the hand with the cigarette and cocks his head in question. A clear, _wanna go for a smoke?_

Lucas shakes his head subtly and Eliott disappears through the apartment’s front door. He’d go anywhere for Eliott, but it’s really cold outside and he refuses to freeze to death just for a lame cigarette. Not even for a joint.

There’s a cackle and Lucas realizes he’s staring at the door.

“You’re so _whipped_.” Yann lets out a long-suffering sigh.

“Shut up”, Lucas mumbles and smiles. “I’m gonna go get more beer or I really will start crying. Why the fuck am I so emotional today?”

Yann laughs at him and slaps him on the back once. “It’s the alcohol.” Then he makes eye contact with a girl he was talking to earlier and excuses himself quickly.

Lucas looks at his back, at the girl’s smile. He thinks about how this sight would’ve _infuriated_ him just a few years ago.

He remembers when Eliott changed schools while Lucas was still in elementary school. He cried for hours, demanding to be allowed to go to Eliott’s school, too. When his parents explained to him that he couldn’t because he was too young, Lucas vowed to get _so good at school_ that he’d be able to skip two years. So he did everything to become a perfect student, but it still didn’t work. Lucas didn’t have a phone yet and them not being in the same school anymore, made keeping in contact harder. Lucas’ mother kept forcing him to play football and he went to his piano classes and he _hated it_. He just wanted to be older _now_. But Lucas smiles as he remembers the weekend trips they still went on together with their parents around that time, keeping their friendship alive.

*

**Nine and eleven**

In the summer before Eliott leaves to go to a new school, their families go on one last trip together. Or rather, a vacation. They’re in Norway at the Hardangervidda National Park and all their parents want to do is go _hiking_. Which is boring. So instead, they’re making movies. Or rather, Eliott is making movies and is forcing Lucas run around and be his personal assistant. Not that Lucas actually minds.

Eliott decided a few weeks ago that he would be a wildlife documentary filmmaker when he grows up. Which, Lucas thinks, is oddly specific, but he supports him.

So, they’re spending this vacation on the look-out for animals.

“I’m _tired_ ”, Lucas complains for the hundredth time this morning.

It’s not even six in the morning and they’re already outside. Eliott is walking in front of Lucas, a camera in hand, excitedly talking about all the animals they’d be seeing today.

“Lulu”, Eliott says and looks back at him. “It’s going to be so _cool_. We didn’t see any deer yesterday because there were just too many people around. It’s early now, so if we’re quiet, they have no reason _not_ to reveal themselves!” Eliott grins excitedly and keeps walking.

Lucas grumbles a little but follows. He hopes their parents won’t notice them missing. He didn’t even leave a note. Maybe he should have. He looks back to where they came from. “But what if –”

“Shhh”, Eliott suddenly interrupts him and stops walking. He holds a finger to his mouth and looks at Lucas with wide eyes. “ _Look_ ”, he whispers and points ahead.

There are three deer on the path ahead. Eliott lifts his camera and takes a picture. He looks down to look at it and frowns. “Backlighting”, he whispers to himself. He looks at Lucas. “Okay, you stay here, don’t let anyone through, they’ll just chase them off. I’ll go around them.”

Before Lucas can point out that there’s no way anyone would listen to him if he told them they couldn’t keep going, Eliott is already running into the wood to their right. Lucas can barely make him out after a while. He’s getting cold but he doesn’t dare move in case the deer notice him. He doesn’t even know why Eliott is so excited about _deer_. They are _everywhere_. Lucas has seen them around Oslo even. Now if this was an elk… Maybe that’d be more exciting. Suddenly, Eliott is back on the pathway, now on the other side of the deer. He kneels and takes a few pictures. Then he waves at Lucas.

“Yes?”, Lucas whisper-shouts.

The deer look up

Eliott gestures wildly.

Lucas has no idea what he means. “What?”, he yells.

One of the deer runs away.

“ _No_ ”, Eliott mouths. Then he mouths something Lucas can’t make out.

He shrugs at Eliott in an exaggerated way.

“Get out of the way!”, Eliott suddenly yells. It’s too loud. The other two deer run away, too. Eliott groans in frustration.

 _Oh._ Lucas feels dumb, suddenly. He can feel his eyes getting wet as Eliott approaches him with a furious look on his face. No. He will _not_ cry in front of Eliott.

“You were in my shot!”, Eliott accuses him.

“Oh.” Lucas blushes. “Sorry, I didn’t realize –”

“I was literally pointing the camera right _at you_ , what were you _thinking_ …” Eliott groans again. “This is so annoying; I should’ve just come on my own.”

“No, no”, Lucas says, blinking a few times. “I’m sorry.” His voice is failing him a little and he feels like the biggest let-down in all of history.

Eliott takes a big breath. His eyes dart from where the deer disappeared into the forest to Lucas and back. He sighs. “No… _I’m_ sorry”, he finally says. “I shouldn’t have yelled at you. I just wanted to get that perfect shot.”

“I’m sorry for being in it.” Lucas looks down.

“No, it’s…” Eliott sighs again. “It really is fine. Let’s just keep going.” He starts walking.

Lucas nods and follows him silently.

A while later, Lucas has completely lost track of time, Eliott suddenly stops walking again and Lucas literally runs into his back.

“Shhh”, Eliott makes, an edge in his voice.

They’re at the edge of a forest, up on a hill. In front of them, there’s a small lake, surrounded by even more forest. And at the edge of the lake, just _standing_ there, is an elk.

Lucas’ eyes are huge, only matched by Eliott’s. This time, he’s _not_ going to mess this up for Eliott. So he takes a step back and cowers down, trying to be as small and quiet as possible.

A smile blooms on Eliott’s face and he lifts the camera and takes a few pictures. He looks at the display and frowns a little. “I’m gonna go a little closer”, he whispers.

Lucas nods. He’s going to stay where he is.

Eliott climbs down the hill. A little while later, his head appears again. He’s a little out of breath. “ _Come_ ”, he whispers and looks at Lucas with a confused look. “That elk is not gonna stay there forever.”

“I’ll just scare it off again”, Lucas whispers as quietly as possible and shakes his head.

Eliott rolls his eyes. “ _Come_ , we came here to do this together.” He smiles.

And Lucas is defenseless. That smile could make him jump down a cliff. Or a hill. (He doesn’t dwell on what a weird thought that is.)

They climb down the hill together. It turns out to be much steeper than expected and Eliott has to help him jump down in the end.

“Take my hand”, Eliott whispers.

Lucas does and he jumps. He lands somewhat gracelessly and loses his footing, landing on his butt.

Eliott giggles and Lucas gives him a _look_ , which only makes Eliott giggle louder.

“Shhh”, Lucas says and points at something with huge eyes.

Eliott turns around.

They’re almost at the edge of the lake now, the elk as close as it’s gonna get. They have a perfect view, the sky a beautiful pink in the background, courtesy of the still rising sun.

“Oh my god”, Eliott whispers and his eyes are wide. He kneels and starts taking pictures.

Lucas watches him as he tries to get as many angles as is possible in the limited amount of space that they have.

Finally, Eliott looks down at the camera with a wide grin and looks back at Lucas who’s still sitting where he fell earlier. “Wanna be in a picture?”, Eliott asks with a smile.

“Yes!” Lucas grins and nods, jumping up excitedly. Then he stops and slaps a hand on his mouth. “ _Sorry_ ”, he whispers.

Lucas goes to the edge of the lake and poses dramatically, throwing his arms into the air, a bright grin on his face.

Eliott starts taking pictures. “Try to pet it”, he whispers and giggles.

Lucas is confused for a second and then gets it, extending on arm and pretending to pet an invisible elk.

Eliott instructs him on where to keep his arm, so it looks like Lucas is petting the actual elk in the background.

It’s a bit of a mess, but their quiet giggles escalate into loud laughter after not too long.

Lucas is trying to keep his laughter in check, but when he turns around and sees that the elk has turned around in the meantime, he laughs even harder.

“Have I been petting that thing’s ass?”

That makes Eliott burst out laughing and they giggle for a while longer.

“Here, you wanna be on a picture, too?”, Lucas asks after a while.

Eliott smiles at him and looks at the elk, which has started to move towards the forest now. He shakes his head. “Let’s take one together.”

Then he goes to stand next to Lucas and points the camera at the two of them. He can’t see what he’s doing, so he just hopes for the best, smiles, and takes a couple of pictures.

When he’s done, they turn around and the elk is gone.

“Oh.” Lucas looks disappointed. “I’m sorry, maybe we should’ve taken pictures with you and the elk first.”

Eliott just smiles at him. “I got all the photos I needed.” Then he shows Lucas the display. It’s a picture of the two of them, slightly off-center cutting off their foreheads. The elk isn’t on it at all but the lake is vaguely visible. It’s mainly them with huge happy smiles on their faces.

“That’s nice”, Lucas says.

“It is.” Then Eliott looks at the display again. “Look. Got the picture I wanted.” He shows Lucas a photo of the elk, drinking at the lake.

Lucas smiles. “That’s so good. You’ll be the best nature filmmaker in the world.”

“ _Wildlife documentary_ filmmaker.”

“That too.”

They giggle all the way back to the hotel where they’re greeted by hysterical parents who’ve been looking for their sons for _hours_. It was worth it.

*

**Now**

Lucas smiles at the memory. The picture of the two of them – their first _selfie_ – has been on his fridge for years now. He shakes his head and takes a sip of his beer. He frowns when the bottle is empty and finally remembers telling Yann he was gonna get himself something to drink. So he walks to the kitchen and grabs another beer from the fridge.

But he’s still deep in thought. It was the last time they went on vacation together, Eliott going to a different school soon after and they drifted apart. And when Lucas himself finally changed schools, he met Yann. Eliott stayed a constant for a little while, both of them _older_ now, but it wasn’t the same.

*

**Eleven and thirteen**

At this point in time it’s already rare for Lucas to be hanging out with Eliott at all, even rarer for him to be doing it with Yann there, too. But they’re hanging out.

Lucas is lying on the floor, reading his biology textbook. There’s a notebook discarded somewhere, and he really should be taking notes, but he’s too lazy. Eliott is on Lucas’ bed, sketching like he always is. Yann is sitting at Lucas’ desk doing homework, the only one of them actually being productive.

They haven’t talked in a good twenty minutes, everyone busy with their task at hand – or at least _pretending_ to be. The silence is mostly comfortable.

Lucas keeps looking up from his book, eyes darting between Eliott and Yann, decidedly _not_ watching them. Eliott is hunched over with a concentrated look on his face while his hand holding the pencil flies around on his sketchbook. It’s mesmerizing. But Lucas doesn’t let himself look. Yann is hunched over his own textbook, taking notes, scratching the back of his neck occasionally, getting increasingly more frustrated. It’s mesmerizing.

Lucas is _not_ looking. At least not more than he usually would. He’s allowed to look at his friends, anyway. So it’s not weird. The way he keeps thinking about it, the way his eyes automatically land on either Eliott or Yann… Maybe it’s a bit weird. He feels insecure, unsure of himself, unsure of their friendships. The added awkwardness of Eliott and Yann not actually knowing each other all that well doesn’t make things better. His two best friends together in one room is a little overwhelming. Or maybe all of that is just in Lucas’ head.

“I hate this so much”, Yann groans and sits up and stretches a little, probably sore after having been hunched over for a long time.

Eliott looks up from his sketchbook. “What are you working on?”

“Biology. I hate biology so much.”

“Oh.” Eliott glances at Lucas. “You have the expert right there!”

Lucas sputters. “I’m not an expert!”

“But aren’t you in the same class?” Eliott looks between the two.

“Yeah, I tried to explain everything last week, but…” He shrugs. “We just ended up playing Fifa.”

“Which I’m really regretting now”, Yann says. “This is so stupid.”

“It wouldn’t be stupid if you payed attention in class”, Lucas remarks.

Yann gives him the finger.

Then there’s a buzz from somewhere on the floor and Eliott suddenly jumps up and rummages in his backpack. He takes out his phone and starts typing furiously, a strange expression on his face.

Lucas watches him. A _phone_. He hates his parents for not letting _him_ have a phone yet. He could be the one texting Eliott constantly. Maybe they’d see each other more often.

A bright smile blooms on Eliott’s face and it takes him a while to put the phone away again. When he finally does, he looks up and says: “I have a girlfriend now.”

Yann perks up at that. “You _do_? How?”

Eliott nonchalantly holds up his phone. “My friend Sofiane just texted me that this girl Marie asked her friend Clémentine if I was interested. And Clémentine asked Sofiane if I was interested in Marie.” He shrugs.

“So now you’re texting here?”, Yann asks.

Eliott bites his bottom lip. “Well I texted Sofiane that I’d be up for it and he texted Clémentine and she texted Marie. And then Marie told Clémentine to tell Sofiane that she’ll say hi to me at school tomorrow. Maybe we’ll have lunch together. Maybe I can hold her hand.” He shrugs. There’s a blush high on his cheeks, the excitement of possible handholding almost too much for his little thirteen-year-old self.

Lucas grimaces. He’s not sure if he’s jealous because _he_ wants to hold hands with a girl or because Eliott isn’t paying attention to him. Probably both. “Girls are gross”, he says and crosses his arms.

Yann nods. “Yeah, they’re so mean!” He stares into the middle distance for a moment.

Eliott rolls his eyes at them. “Jesus, sometimes I forget how young you guys are. Just wait a year or two and you’ll understand.”

Lucas doesn’t say anything. Hates it when Eliott brings up their age difference. Hates that Eliott is starting to be interested in other things. Hates that he has a _girlfriend_ now, one more reason for him not to be hanging out with Lucas. He huffs but doesn’t say anything. Devotes himself back to his textbook while Yann timidly starts a conversation about what it’s like to have a girlfriend. Eliott has only had one for about five minutes – _You haven’t even_ talked _to her yet_ , Lucas doesn’t say – but he pretends to be an expert. Lucas hates it and decides to never hang out with Yann and Eliott at the same time ever again.

*

**Now**

He had been lucky that he met Yann at the time that he did because a year after Lucas changed schools, Eliott changed schools _again_ , his family moving across Paris. And he lost his friend in the process. He remembers when Eliott first told him about his family moving. It was the first time he cried in front of Eliott.

*

**Twelve and fourteen**

“I don’t want you to go…” Lucas’ eyes brim with tears, wide open and wet.

“Lucas, I’m not moving to Australia, I’m just a few minutes further away…”

Lucas shakes his head and wraps his arms around himself. “But…”

They’re sitting in Eliott’s bedroom, as usual. Lucas is playing a game of Fifa and Eliott is reading a book. Or rather, _trying_ to read a book, since Lucas interrupts him every two minutes, complaining about the fact that they’re about to go to different schools. _Again._ Eliott apparently doesn’t even know why they’re moving. Or he’s just not telling him.

“It’ll be fine, Jesus. Calm down.” Eliott rolls his eyes.

Lucas looks at him and immediately looks away again. “Okay.”

Eliott has been moody recently, keeps pushing him away. The other day he yelled at Lucas without much reason. (Or at least, without _understandable_ reason beyond “Lucas looked at my book.”) It’s been weird.

“I’m going to miss you”, Lucas whispers, pulls his legs up and puts his chin on his knees. He throws his controller away, not wanting to play Fifa anymore.

Eliott softens a little. He turns around and smiles at Lucas. “Hey…” He gets up and sits on the bed next to him. “I’ll just be a short métro ride away. We’ll still hang out all the time.”

Lucas nods sadly. _This is the first time we’ve hung out in_ weeks, he doesn’t say.

Eliott pokes Lucas in the cheek. “Can’t let you be deprived of your _super cool_ older friend!”

Lucas balks indignantly. “That was _one time_!” He once made the mistake of telling Eliott that one of his first thoughts about him was that he’s _cool_. Eliott took it to heart and hasn’t let him live it down since.

“Sure, sure.” Eliott laughs and runs his hand through Lucas’ long hair.

Lucas closes his eyes and leans into the touch. He blushes a little. Why does such a simple gesture make him feel so much?

“You should tell your parents to _finally_ let you have a phone. We can text”, Eliott says.

Lucas nods enthusiastically. “ _Yes_.” Then he sobers. “I don’t know if they’ll let me though.”

Eliott looks at him with a strange expression. “How’s your mom?”

Lucas shrugs. “Weird.”

Eliott nods. “Well…” He looks at the controller still in Lucas’ hand. “Let me beat you at Fifa.”

“Oh, you would _never_!” Lucas laughs. “You are _so_ fucking bad!”

“Language!”, Eliott mocks.

“ _Language_ ”, Lucas mocks back.

They giggle and start playing Fifa together. Lucas beats Eliott easily.

*

**Now**

A week later Eliott was gone and Lucas didn’t hear from him for four years.

Because it turned out that Lucas and Eliott _didn’t_ keep seeing each other regularly. When Eliott moved and the new school year started they both got busy. Eliott made new friends, started going to parties and kissing girls. And he didn’t even know any of that because Eliott told him but because of _Facebook_ of all things. And not even Eliott’s Facebook because he never used social media.

So Lucas clinged to Yann.

Mostly though, he was focused on playing football and video games. It was all fine, he didn’t need Eliott, he kept telling himself. He was too old to be his friend anyway.

In the years after Eliott moved away, Lucas ended up having other things to worry about. His mother’s health got progressively worse and worse. His friends started dating, being interested in girls, Lucas stopped being interested in football. Basically, he stopped being interested in _anything_. The beginning of puberty was filled with an emptiness Lucas hates to think about. He felt isolated from his friends, felt isolated by his own _body_. Things started changing and _happening_. He noticed Yann more and more. It was all very confusing.

School was a constant in that time. He was still a good student (although he never did manage to skip a grade) and the teachers usually liked him.

When he was fifteen, his father left his mother and Lucas spent a few weeks living with her at home. She was in the middle of a psychosis and wasn’t going to therapy. One night he ended up calling the police and running away. He ended up in a bar, got picked up by Mika and crashed in his basement until he finally moved into the coloc. Not a _real_ home, but it was better than being afraid of going home all the time. His father gave him money – unreliably – and his relationship with him has been broken ever since.

The last time he visited his mother was a few weeks ago. She looked much better. It hurts to see her now, knowing how she doesn’t remember so much of what happened between them. She always looks at him, knowing that she hurt him, knowing she’ll never be able to change it, how she’ll never get to see her boy growing up. Because it happened while she wasn’t really there.

Lucas sometimes wishes he could go back in time and force his little twelve- or thirteen-year-old self to reach out to talk to his mother more. But how could he have, at such a young age, understood the magnitude of what was happening? When his own father apparently didn’t even understand it until it was too late?

The same goes for Eliott. He wishes he had forced them to stay in contact after Eliott moved. In hindsight, Eliott was in puberty. Lucas was still a baby, unaware of… pretty much everything? He remembers thinking, when he was sixteen and found out about Eliott’s bipolar diagnosis, that this was the reason Eliott was so unfriendly to him at the time. But it was more likely a combination of the two. Which teenage boy wants to be held back by a clingy tiny twelve-year-old? Finding out about it was… not fun. It happened, once again, because of Facebook. People shared stories – it basically became a myth in all Parisian schools – a guy “going crazy” in the middle of class. Lucas skimmed over the comments, saw Eliott’s name, and wanted _nothing_ but to talk to him. Wanted to know what happened. How he was doing. Wanted to make sure he’s fine. Wanted to tell him not to care about these idiots gossiping about something they knew nothing about. He wishes he had made more of an effort. Wishes he had reached out.

“Having fun?”

Lucas jumps and looks up. He’s still in the kitchen. Oh. He’s at a party. He almost forgot. He looks at the still full bottle of beer in his hands and then looks up and sees Eliott.

Not to be dramatic but Eliott’s eyes are _piercing his soul_.

He shrugs and smiles casually. “It’s fine. I’ve been abandoned by everyone.” He gestures around the kitchen, which is empty. There’s still music and loud cheers coming from the dance floor in the living room.

“Ohhh no!”, Eliott mocks and pouts at him. He throws an arm around Lucas’ shoulders and presses a kiss to his cheek. “I’m sorry I haven’t been around.”

“It’s fine”, Lucas shakes his head shortly and cocks his head, asking for a kiss.

Eliott indulges him, pressing a close-mouthed kiss to his lips. It lasts a few seconds, then he pulls back with a _smack_.

Lucas looks at him with narrowed eyes. “How high are you?”

Eliott lets out a possibly inhuman shriek. “I’m _not_ high!”, he says, very clearly admitting that he’s high. “I feel _good_.”

Lucas laughs and shakes his head at the same time. “You should always feel good.” Then he leans in again and kisses him for real. He opens his mouth and Eliott responds enthusiastically, sucking on his bottom lip. It’s a little messy, but it warms up Lucas’ entire body, the hot feeling of Eliott’s mouth against his like a beautiful soft blanket on a cold night.

He really is being dramatic tonight.

When they part again, Eliott keeps his arms around Lucas’ shoulders and Lucas rests his head against his, pressing a few kisses to his neck and collarbone.

Lucas inhales happily and nuzzles the warm skin. “Do you remember when we saw each other for the first time?”, he says.

Eliott huffs and presses a kiss to the top of Lucas’ head. “You thought I was _cool_ , remember?”

Lucas giggles. “No, I meant…” He lifts his head and looks into Eliott’s eyes. “When we saw each other again when I was seventeen.”

“Oh.” Eliott puts some space between them, so he can look at Lucas. “Yeah, I remember that, too.” He smiles. “I thought you were the most beautiful boy I’d ever seen.”

“Oh yeah?” Lucas cocks his head and smiles teasingly.

“Yeah.” Eliott presses another kiss to his lips.

“I only had very, very pure thoughts about you”, Lucas whispers into the next kiss.

“Sure you did.”

*

**Seventeen and nineteen**

Lucas sees Eliott again on the first day of his last year of school. And he almost swallows his tongue in the process. It’s been almost five years.

And Lucas is _not_ sure why this is his first thought (of course he knows why). But… Eliott got _hot_.

It’s way too cold for the season so Lucas is wearing a beanie and a thick scarf. And suddenly he feels way too warm. He sees Eliott across the schoolyard, talking to some people. In Lucas’ head it all plays out in slow motion.

Loud and angry rap music is still coming from his headphones and it suddenly feels out of place. Lucas stops walking and openly gawks. And it doesn’t take long until their eyes meet. He can pinpoint the exact moment Eliott notices him. His eyes widen, his mouth drops open almost comically. Then he abandons the people he was talking to and comes closer. Lucas panics for a moment.

_He’s coming. What does he do what does he dowhatdoeshedowhatdoeshedowhatdoeshe—_

“Hi.” Eliott stops right in front of Lucas. He smiles timidly.

“Hi”, Lucas answers dumbly. He doesn’t know what to say. Should he introduce himself? But they know each other. But maybe Eliott forgot who he is? _He literally came over to talk to_ you _, don’t be a fucking idiot_. Lucas’ eyes dart from his own shoes up to Eliott’s face and back.

“I changed schools”, Eliott says as if that explains everything.

Lucas nods. “Okay.”

They look at each other for a beat too long. The silence stretches but it’s not awkward. They both have the beginning of a smile on their faces, their eyes wide and shining. Lucas feels like he himself is stuck in slow motion now.

Eliott’s hair is shorter, not down to his shoulder like it used to be. It’s an artfully styled _mess_. Lucas wants to ask him if he wakes up like that or if he spends thirty minutes in the bathroom every morning, crafting that hair to perfection. He doesn’t, of course. His face has thinned out, all remaining baby fat gone. His jawline is to die for, his cheekbones subtly pronounced, if that’s possible. And his _eyes_. Lucas realizes they’ve always looked like that. Intense and bright and full of emotion. But they’ve just become more intense. He’s tall. But he’s always been taller than Lucas, so that’s also nothing new.

Finally, Eliott smiles and extends his arms and it takes a moment for Lucas to kickstart his brain and understand what he’s going for. He takes a step closer to Eliott and then Eliott closes the rest of the distance by basically _jumping_ into a hug. Lucas is overwhelmed by the warmth and it takes him a moment until he responds and wraps his arms around the older boy. He smells like smoke, is his first thought.

When they separate Lucas opens his eyes – not even having realized that he closed them – and looks at him.

“You’ve changed”, he just says and blushes when his voice breaks a little on the second word. He hasn’t, really. But he has. Lucas’ head starts hurting. He needs to stop looking into those blue-grey eyes. He can’t.

Eliott cocks his head, a bright grin on his face. “I have? _You_ look so old! What happened to my little baby Lulu?!”

“I’m not a baby!” Lucas laughs. He hopes the hearts in his eyes aren’t visible to others. Eliott’s grin is… too much.

“And your hair is longer!” Eliott’s arm moves as if he was about to _touch his hair_ and Lucas instinctively takes a step back and Eliott’s arm moves back down as quickly as it came up. They both pretend like it didn’t happen.

“Yours is shorter”, Lucas answers, a little too late.

Eliott just smiles. His eyes dart around, he shakes his head in disbelief.

“And you smoke!”

Eliott stops for a moment. Then he laughs loudly. “Did you _smell_ me, Lucas?”

Lucas blushes furiously. And he wants him to keep saying his name. Forever. He shrugs, trying to play it off. Like he isn’t embarrassed. Like he knows what he’s doing.

The school’s bell rings.

“Oh.” Eliott looks disappointed. “I should go, don’t wanna be late for my first class…”

“Yeah. We should –”

“Do you want to –”

They laugh, having spoken at the same time.

“Do you want to have lunch together?”, Eliott asks. “Or meet up after school?”

Lucas nods. “At the cafeteria? At one?”

Eliott nods. “Okay.”

“Okay.”

“Okay”, Eliott says again. He’s grinning. He starts walking backwards towards the school, not taking his eyes off Lucas.

Lucas laughs and follows him.

They walk into the school together. Eliott gives him another quick hug before they separate to go to their respective classes.

Explaining to Arthur and Basile why he’s ditching them for lunch is a little awkward. Luckily, Yann rescues him.

“Let him meet up with his friend. They haven’t seen each other in years”, he says and takes Basile by the arm.

“I just wanna see him!”

“Yeah, who is this mysterious _friend_ , Lucas? Huh?”, Arthur says, eyes wide and intrigued.

Lucas just shakes his head and presses his mouth closed.

It’s weird. They didn’t become friends until about two years ago, they never knew a Lucas who was still friends with Eliott. Yann remembers though. He was there for Lucas when Eliott left. Lucas sends him a thankful smile. He walks towards the cafeteria and spots Eliott immediately. He’s carrying a tray with his food and scanning the cafeteria.

“Hey”, Lucas says.

Eliott jumps a little and turns around. His face breaks out into a wide smile.

 _Beautiful_. Lucas tells his brain to shut up. It won’t. “Wanna sit?”

“Yeah.” Eliott nods, relieved.

They sit down and start eating. It’s silent for a while.

“So… our mothers haven’t hung out in a while, huh?”, Eliott says, breaking the silence.

Lucas nods. He doesn’t know what to say. “Yeah…”

Eliott stops for a moment, his eyes darting all over Lucas’ face. “How is your mother?”, he asks, finally.

Lucas swallows. Right. Eliott doesn’t know. He shrugs.

Eliott’s eyebrows furrow.

“She’s very sick”, Lucas says, finally.

“Oh. I’m so sorry…” It’s clear that Eliott wants to ask, but he doesn’t. Lucas is thankful.

“So… what are _you_ doing here?”

Eliott has a mouthful of food and chews for a while. He looks deep in thought. When he swallows, he says, “I… uh, had to transfer. Failed my last year of school. Needed a fresh start.”

Lucas nods. Eliott did him the favor of not asking about his mother, so Lucas thinks he should do _him_ the favor of not asking about why he failed. Although he thinks he knows why. He thinks back to the rumors on Facebook last year. Lucas’ eyes dart from his food to Eliott’s face.

They’re silent for the rest of lunch. This time it’s awkward. Lucas doesn’t know what to say. He has thousands of questions, but none feel right. How are you? Did you miss me as much as I missed you? Why did you never contact me? Why didn’t you tell me you were coming back? Why didn’t you try? Do you have friends who helped you through what happened last year? Are you happy? Do you have a girlfriend? Do you still draw? And take pictures? Did you ever learn how to cook? Can you give me your number?

The bell rings.

“Well…” Lucas smirks. “Good talk.”

Eliott sighs, but there’s a small smile on his face. “I have so much to tell you”, he says, staring at something over Lucas’ shoulder. “… If you’ll let me?”

Lucas nods encouragingly.

“But this isn’t…” Eliott looks around. The cafeteria is loud, people are moving, on their way to the next class. “This isn’t the place to do it.”

Lucas nods again.

“I would like to…” Eliott swallows. “I know we haven’t talked in years. I don’t know if you’re still the same Lucas I remember. I’m pretty sure I’m not the same Eliott you probably remember. But… I’d like to… be friends? To try to be friends? Again?”

A small smile blooms on Lucas’ face. He doesn’t know much, but he knows for _sure_ that that’s something he wants. He nods again.

“And I’ve missed you”, Eliott finishes.

“I’ve missed you, too”, Lucas answers, his voice quiet.

They smile at each other.

“Okay… I’ll see you around.” With that Eliott gets up and leaves the cafeteria.

Lucas stares after him, stunned into silence. He sits there until the cafeteria is almost completely empty and then he jumps up and hurries to his next class.

*

It takes a while for them to actually meet up outside of school. Eliott is busy trying to fit in, but he smiles at Lucas every time they see each other in the hallway.

“So what’s the deal with this Eliott guy?”, Basile asks on a lunch break a week later.

Lucas shrugs. “Uhm…” He pushes his food around with his fork for a while. “We’re childhood friends”, he says finally. “But he moved a few years ago.”

“Where did he move?”, Arthur asks.

“Uh…” Lucas blushes. “Across town?” He realizes he doesn’t even know where Eliott lived all this time. Probably twenty minutes away. There’s shame, deep down inside of him. Shame that he never reached out to him. Or maybe not shame, but regret. Or both.

Arthur looks at him funny but doesn’t comment. Basile looks like he wants to say something, but Yann beats him to it.

“I remember Eliott! We used to do homework together all the time!”

“That was like… twice”, Lucas says.

Yann shrugs. “I liked him.”

“Yeah… me too.” The last part is almost too quiet for anyone to hear.

Yann gives him a _look_. “What’s the deal?”

“Nothing… We were gonna meet up. But we haven’t yet.”

“Talk about old times?”

“Yeah…” Lucas sighs. “We kind of just… said goodbye when he moved and promised to stay in contact and just… didn’t? I don’t know how to explain that. He missed so much. I missed so much. It’s been five years.” He shrugs.

“Well, I –” Basile suddenly stops talking and his eyes widen comically. He’s staring at something behind Lucas.

Lucas turns around and there’s Eliott. He’s smiling, eyes darting around.

“Hi.” The word is weirdly breathless. Lucas feels himself flush.

“Hi.” Eliott smiles at him. “I was wondering if you had time to go grab a coffee or something after school? Around four?”

Lucas nods dumbly.

Eliott’s smile widens. He nods at the other guys. “Nice to meet you. Bye, guys.” Then he’s gone.

Lucas is still half-turned around in his seat, now staring at nothing.

“You need to introduce us next time”, Basile says, his eyes still wide. “He seems cool.”

“Yeah, yeah”, Lucas nods, distracted.

Yann slaps him on the shoulder and Lucas flinches a little. “You okay?” Yann suddenly sounds concerned.

“Fine, fine.”

Yann looks at him.

“I –“ Lucas takes a deep breath. “Remember what I told you guys last year…?”

“Dude, I don’t remember what I did _last week_ ”, Arthur says.

“You gotta be more specific, man.” Basile laughs.

“You mean…?” Yann gives him another meaningful look.

Lucas sighs, frustrated. Why is this so difficult to talk about? He came out to his friends last year after having made out with a guy at a party, very very drunk. It was very uneventful. He told them, they said they loved him and that was that. Lucas hasn’t really… mentioned it again? His friends don’t mention it either. And it just… hasn’t really mattered. Lucas hasn’t kissed anyone else since. Hasn’t really had the opportunity to. Or wanted to. Or both. He sighs again. “Yeah.”

Yann nods as if he just had an epiphany.

Basile looks lost.

“You and Eliott?” Arthur’s eyebrows are up to his hairline.

“Wait what?”, Basile asks, his eyes widen.

Lucas is sure his face is bright red now. “No. No! We… no. Uh…” He scratches the back of his neck. “I might have… had a small crush on him when I was younger. And he…” He shrugs helplessly.

“He what?”, Basile asks innocently.

Lucas sends him a dirty look.

“What?”

“He got really fucking hot, okay?”, Lucas says and then immediately shuts his mouth. Why the fuck did he just say that.

The sentence startles a loud laugh out of Yann and Arthur. Basile looks shell shocked.

“That’s my Lulu!”, Yann laughs.

“No… I mean…” Lucas looks down at his food. A small smile spreads on his face. “I mean… yeah.”

The bell rings, signaling the end of lunch.

“Got get ‘em”, Arthur says and pats him on the back as he stands up.

Lucas sits there for a while longer, contemplating his life choices that got him to where he is right now.

*

“Hey.”

“Hi.” Lucas smiles when he walks up to Eliott, who is waiting for him in front of the school. “Where do you want to go? Coffee?”

Eliott smiles back and his eyes dart from Lucas’ face to the busy street behind him every now and again as if he can’t look at Lucas for an extended amount of time. “I was actually… Do you wanna come to mine? My parents aren’t home.”

Lucas swallows. “Yeah, sure.”

They walk slowly. They sit down at a bus stop and wait for what feels like an eternity. They don’t talk, but it isn’t awkward. Lucas desperately tries to think of something to say.

The bus ride ends up being silent out of necessity, the bus is overcrowded, and they end up standing holding onto a pole for dear life, a few other people between them.

When they get off and get to Eliott’s apartment building, Lucas is suddenly nervous. He hasn’t been alone with Eliott in literal years. He is pathetically aware of his raging crush on him. And he desperately wants to be his friend again. What if that isn’t possible anymore?

Eliott opens the front door and they walk inside.

Lucas looks around while trying not to be too obvious about it. He doesn’t recognize anything. It’s just an apartment. There are still moving boxes everywhere. It’s small, it’s clean and there’s art up on the walls that make the rooms look lived in. But it’s a far cry from the fancy house Lucas remembers from their childhood.

“You want something to drink?”, Eliott asks.

Lucas shakes his head.

Eliott is standing in the kitchen, looking around a little bit lost. He starts to say something but drops it immediately. Then he gestures to a room off to the side. They go inside. “I don’t have much furniture”, he says.

Lucas looks at the room. It’s literally just a bed, a desk with a chair and a wardrobe and a ton of brown cardboard boxes, some of which opened and spilling over with clothes and books. Lucas just shrugs. “How long have you lived here?”

“We moved in just before school started”, Eliott answers. “So just over a week.”

“That explains the boxes.”

Eliott nods and then it’s silent.

Lucas wants to ask why they moved but wonders if that should be something Eliott tells him on his own terms.

Eliott jumps onto his bed, lies back on his elbows and stretches his legs out in front of him. “So… tell me what you’ve been up to.”

Lucas’ eyes widen. _His legs are long_. He feels hot, quickly looks away. Shrugging, he goes to sit down at Eliott’s desk. “I remember when this was a tiny children’s desk”, he says instead of answering the question.

Eliott chuckles. “You remember that? You were so young.”

“I wasn’t that young! Like… six or seven at least.”

“ _I_ was six. You were like four!” Eliott shakes his head and laughs loudly.

Lucas glimpses at him and feels like his teeth blind him. There are dimples on his cheeks. His eyes, dark shadows around them, squint and are barely visible. It takes him a while to realize that he’s staring. He shrugs.

“You got a girlfriend?”, Eliott asks casually.

Lucas flinches. There’s a pit in his stomach and he feels a little sick. Being reminded of _girlfriends_ when he was just _openly staring at_ his (ex?) best friend? “No”, he answers. “Girls are gross.”

Eliott laughs. “Sometimes I forget how young you are!”

“We were literally just talking about our ages!”

“You should get a girlfriend, they’re _great_.”

Lucas pointedly does _not_ flinch this time. “You have a girlfriend?”

Eliott shakes his head and laughs. “Nah. Done with that for now.”

 _What the fuck does that mean?_ “What does that mean?” Lucas wants to slap himself for voicing his thoughts.

Eliott’s face dims. He looks down at his lap, then back up to Lucas. Then he shrugs. “Bad experience.” He’s silent for a while. Lucas doesn’t say anything, sensing Eliott isn’t finished. “Guess we never really managed the whole texting thing. It’s been busy”, he finally says.

“Yeah. Also I never got your number.”

“Wait, you’re telling me you _actually_ have a phone now?”, Eliott teases.

Lucas looks up and can’t help himself. He just _has to_ smile when Eliott looks at him like that. “Yeah.”

“Maybe we should start?” Eliott looks at him expectantly. “Texting”, he adds.

Lucas nods dumbly and holds out his hand and waits for Eliott to get the message and give him his unlocked phone. He enters his phone number and Eliott takes his phone back when Lucas is done and immediately sends him a message. Lucas saves Eliott’s number.

 **Eliott:** Hi :)

Lucas smiles into himself, trying not to show it on his face. When Eliott catches his gaze though, he fails spectacularly. Lucas allows himself to openly stare for a few moments. Eliott loses their staring contest after a few minutes and Lucas feels hot. Those eyes. He’ll be dreaming about them later.

“So…” Eliott is serious now, not a hint of a smile on his face.

Lucas tries to look encouraging.

“I really did miss you.”

That was kind of the last thing Lucas expected him to say.

Their eyes meet.

“I missed you, too.”

“I’m sorry we didn’t talk. For all this time. I had… There were…” Eliott sighs heavily. “Honestly, so much shit happened, I don’t even know where to start.”

“You can tell me as much or as little as you want”, Lucas says.

Eliott smiles at him, but it doesn’t reach his eyes this time. “I want to tell you. So I’ll just say it. All of it. Uhm… So. My father lost his job. And then found a new one. That’s why we moved across the city. My parents sold the house and I… I don’t know. I never wanted to tell you because it felt like they were selling part of my childhood? _Our_ childhood. There were so many memories in that house and we…” Eliott sighs and doesn’t meet Lucas’ eyes now. “We never got to say goodbye. Not _really_ at least. And I hated that. Still hate that.”

“I’m sorry”, Lucas says, just to say something.

“It felt so big. And then I did move and I wanted to call you so often. But then I didn’t. And then… Well…” Eliott takes a deep breath. “I met someone. Lucille. And she kind of took over my life. In a good way at first. And later in a bad way. And then it all turned to shit and…”

Lucas meets his eyes now. He thinks he knows what Eliott is talking about. Should he tell him that he thinks he knows?

“I… uh… I’m bipolar”, Eliott finally says and shrugs, staring holes into the wall next to Lucas’ head.

“I know.” It’s _definitely_ not what Lucas meant to say. “Uh… I mean… I heard… uh… figured. There was…” Lucas swallows. He lowkey hates himself. “I mean… Thank you for telling me. Are you doing okay?”

Eliott keeps staring at the wall. “Yeah… I guess… So it really spread all over Paris, huh.” There’s no humor in his voice. “Shit. I kept thinking, _I hope Lucas doesn’t find out like this_ , like, constantly. Guess it was unavoidable.”

“I’m sorry.” Lucas swallows thickly. He wants Eliott to _look at him_. Wants to tell him he still loves him. He stops short at his own thought. _As a friend_ obviously, he adds, not even pretending to convince himself.

“Yeah. So things at school were pretty terrible. I’m on medication now and I have a therapist I see regularly, but… yeah, it was heavily recommended to me that I should change schools. Start fresh. When I found out that… that I was coming back here. That we were gonna _move_ here again. I wanted to reach out. Wanted to tell you. I didn’t know how to reach you. I probably would’ve been able to figure it out.” He shrugs and finally meets Lucas’ eyes again.

“I’m on Instagram”, Lucas says as if that’s helpful.

“I know.” Eliott smiles weakly. “I went looking for it after we saw each other last week.”

“Stalker.”

Eliott barks out a laugh.

“No but really…” Lucas smiles at him. “I’m so sorry that happened to you. I… When I found out… You can’t even understand how much I wanted to reach out to you. How… how fucking _guilty_ I’ve felt for not doing so. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay.” Eliott’s eyes are wide. “I don’t think a day went by that I didn’t think of you in the last five years.” He flushes after he says it.

Lucas grins. A warmth settles in his chest, his stomach is in knots. Or maybe it’s full of butterflies, he can’t be sure. Either way… This boy… this _man._ Has been thinking about him. “Me too”, he whispers.

They stare at each other for a while.

Then Lucas starts talking. He tells Eliott about his mother, about moving out, about feeling terrible about how he handled things. All the guilt he felt. The shame.

“I’m sorry”, Eliott says.

“Not your fault”, Lucas shrugs.

“Not the point. I was your best friend. I _should_ have been your best friend. We promised to stay in contact. I knew you were having a bad time with your mother, but I never did anything. I just _left_ and got wound up in all my… my teenage _feelings_.” Eliott laughs bitterly.

“You’re allowed to have feelings, Eliott”, Lucas says and he’s not sure if he’s making sense. He feels all talked out. “Do you still draw?”, he asks, changing the subject.

Eliott lights up.

The rest of the afternoon is spent with Eliott showing Lucas his short film ideas, his sketches, paintings and storyboards. Lucas is in awe. And falls head over heels in love. Again.

*

They become friends again. Eliott joins Lucas and the others for lunch every once in a while, although he’s also made some friends in his own year.

It’s nice. It’s _really_ nice. Lucas is happy. Like, _really_ happy. And he can’t stop staring at him. It’s all he does. Always, constantly.

Arthur and Basile are also head over heels in love with Eliott and Lucas tries not to be upset about it. He feels like a child. Like he’s shared his favorite toy with the class and now _other people_ are constantly playing with it, and he can’t. Except Eliott isn’t a toy. And Lucas doesn’t _own_ him. But he wants to be around him all the time. Misses him the moment he’s out of sight and talks about him literally whenever possible.

Yann has become the king of long-suffering sighs.

The thing is… Lucas should tell Eliott that he’s gay. It’s the only thing he hasn’t been honest about. Not that he’s _lied_ , not exactly. He just hasn’t mentioned it. Never corrected Eliott when he asked Lucas about his past relationships and Lucas told him about girls he’s kissed and Eliott assumed they were _actual_ girlfriends, that there were _actual_ feelings involved on his part.

Lucas hates thinking about it. Hates it because he’s _out_. People _know_. It’s not actually a secret. And yet, the one person who should really, _really_ know about this, doesn’t.

In the end, it takes about a month. It’s starting to get really cold now. Winter is right around the corner and Eliott and Lucas are on a walk. Which is something they do now, on Saturdays. It started as “Remember that time we were in Norway and went out and I took photos of that elk?” and ended with “We should go out and I take photos of all the exotic animals I see!”

So now they walk around Paris every Saturday morning and Eliott takes photos of pigeons.

Although _every_ Saturday is an exaggeration since this is literally only the third time they’ve done this. But Lucas really wants this to become a tradition. Loves _nothing_ more than watching Eliott be in his element. Being a photographer, being an artist, talking about whatever pops into his head, and just… looking _beautiful_ while doing all of that. Lucas is in heaven.

“Oh my god.” Eliott puts his hand on Lucas’ chest and effectively stops him from walking.

“What?”

Eliott points ahead to a _ton_ of pigeons in front of them. “So _many_.”

“I fucking hate pigeons.” Lucas grimaces.

Eliott gives him a look. “Don’t move. Don’t let anyone chase them away.”

Lucas has a weird sense of déja vu.

Eliott starts walking but he’s crouching a little, making himself smaller than he is as if that would keep the pigeons from noticing him. Then he kneels and lifts his camera. Takes a photo, frowns, moves a bit to the side, takes another photo. And keeps going.

Lucas watches him and smiles.

Then someone swiftly walks past him and he can’t stop them. They keep walking and they and Eliott basically disappear in a cloud of startled pigeons flying away.

“Sorry, I’m so sorry!”, Lucas yells and runs to Eliott when the birds are gone. “I didn’t even see them and –"

Eliott is laughing.

“Are you _laughing_ at me?” Lucas pouts.

Eliott looks at him, his eyes are bright and his smile is infectious. “They’re _pigeons_ , Lucas.”

“You were taking pictures”, Lucas says. “They’re important to you.”

Eliott laughs again. He shakes his head and looks at something behind Lucas. “I don’t give a shit about pigeons.” He looks like he didn’t mean to say it. But it’s out there now.

Lucas is confused. “Then why are we running around the city looking for pigeons?”

Eliott shrugs helplessly. “So we can spend time together?”

“Oh.” Lucas smiles. “That’s a good reason.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

They start walking again, without a real goal this time.

“You… uh. Tell me to fuck off if you don’t want to talk about it”, Lucas says. “But you… You mentioned that things with Lucille were really good. Until they weren’t. What happened?”

“Where is this coming from?”, Eliott asks.

Lucas blushes. “I was just thinking about it.” He shrugs.

“You were thinking about my relationship with Lucille?”

“Yeah.”

Eliott laughs softly, not unkindly. “Okay. Well… She was my first girlfriend and –”

“Wait, I thought your first girlfriend was _Marie_?”

Eliott’s eyebrows furrow. “Who?”

“Marie?” Lucas blushes for real now. “You mentioned her once. Before you moved.”

Eliott stares into the middle distance for a while. “Marie. Oh. Marie!” He barks out a laugh.

“What?”

“Oh my god, I haven’t thought about _Marie_ in literal years!” Eliott is full on laughing now.

Lucas is so curious he might actually die on the spot.

“Marie and Clémentine”, Eliott says as if that explains everything. “They were in my art class. And they giggled a lot. I always thought that they were laughing at what I was drawing. That they were making fun of me. Turns out they both had crushes on me.” Eliott giggles.

Lucas hates him for having the most adorable giggle in the world. And also he lowkey hates Marie and Clémentine, two girls he’s never met and are perfectly innocent in all this. “Looks like you were popular with the ladies”, Lucas says.

“Not just with the ladies”, Eliott answers and winks.

He fucking _winks._

And Lucas.

Oh.

Lucas wants to die. _Oh._

He doesn’t know how to react, so he just keeps on walking and doesn’t say anything.

Eliott keeps up and Lucas sees him looking at him.

“That was a joke”, Eliott says.

Oh. “Oh?” Lucas wants to disappear.

“I mean. It… I—” Eliott laughs awkwardly. “I mean. You were supposed to laugh. Because you said I was popular with the ladies and I said ‘not _just_ ’ and that’s… funny… Right?”

“Is it?”

“Uhm. Well, I’m actually not that popular with… uhm, guys. So… I guess it isn’t.” Eliott stops. “Sorry, that was weird.”

Lucas doesn’t know what to say. “So… you’re not popular with guys because they’re not an option or because… guys don’t like you?” He glimpses at Eliott. “Which would be bullshit by the way.”

“Uhm.” Eliott scratches the back of his neck. “Well… I _am_ pansexual. So… everyone is an option? But I’ve just mostly been with girls, that’s why… uh… yeah. I should just stop talking now.”

“That’s cool”, Lucas says. He’s very aware of what his heart is doing right now. It’s basically jumping out of his chest like in a cartoon. It’s definitely skipped a bunch of beats. He might have a heart attack soon.

“Yeah?”

“Uh… yeah.” Lucas takes a deep breath. “I’m gay. So…”

“Oh. That’s cool.”

They keep walking. They’ve left the park behind and are walking along the Seine now. Lucas isn’t actually aware of where they are though.

“Yeah.”

“So what would be bullshit?”

“Huh?” Lucas looks at Eliott then, confusion written all over his face.

“You just said… guys not being into me would be bullshit. Why?”

“Uh.” _Fuck my life_.

Eliott’s smile is small and his eyes are intense.

“Stop looking at me like that.”

“Like what?”

“Like. _That_.” Lucas vaguely gestures at Eliott.

“Lucas, I’m not doing anything.”

“Yeah, that’s the worst part.”

“What?”

Lucas breathes out a laugh that is all nerves. He did _not_ expect their Saturday walk to turn into _this_. “Well, I assume your eyes are why all the girls are into you. And I can’t imagine guys are immune to them.”

“What’s with my eyes?” Eliott is grinning now and Lucas _hates_ him for knowing exactly what he’s doing.

“Well.” Lucas has never felt this awkward. “You must be aware that you are very attractive. So.”

“Oh my god.” Eliott is really laughing now.

“ _What_?”

“Nothing… I just.” Eliott keeps giggling and shrugs. “I just can’t believe that you just said that. So bluntly. Considering you’re you.”

“Considering I’m me?”

“Yeah.” Eliott shrugs and stops giggling. He takes a deep breath. “Considering you’re one of the most beautiful men I’ve ever seen.”

That shuts Lucas up. He keeps walking, but only because his legs seem to have a mind of their own. His knees feel weak.

“Was that too blunt?”

“Uhm.”

“Sorry.”

“No, uh. Thank you?”

Eliott giggles again. “You’re welcome.” He stops walking and turns towards the river.

Lucas keeps walking and then suddenly stops a few meters away when he notices that Eliott isn’t with him anymore. He goes back and stands next to him. The Eiffel tower can be seen in the distance.

“Let’s take a photo”, Eliott says. He takes a step closer to Lucas, their shoulders touching, lifts the camera, points it at them and blindly takes a photo.

Lucas laughs. “You know they have phone cameras for this now?”

“For old time’s sake”, Eliott says. He takes another picture. Then he turns his face, presses a kiss to Lucas’ cheek and takes another picture.

Lucas’ insides are screaming. All his senses narrow down to Eliott’s soft lips on his cheek. He wants to smile, scream, laugh and cry at the same time. “That was nice”, he says.

“Yeah?” Eliott turns his whole body towards Lucas now.

“Yeah.”

Their faces are really close now. Everything inside of Lucas is screaming _Is this happening is this happening? Is this happening is this happening is this really happening is thishappeningisthishappeningisthishappeningomgican’tbelievethis is—_

And then they’re kissing. Lucas has no idea who leans in first, but it doesn’t really matter anyway. All that matters are Eliott’s soft lips on his. It’s just a soft press of lips at first, closemouthed and nice and tame. They part.

Eliott’s eyes meet his and they’re as bright and alive as ever, except it’s somehow _more_. They’re everything. Eliott must see something in Lucas’ eyes, too, because he leans back in and then they’re kissing for real.

And Lucas feels like he’s flying.

*

**Now**

“What are you thinking about?”, Eliott whispers into his mouth.

“Our first kiss”, Lucas answers and keeps kissing his boyfriend.

“Mmh…” Eliott hums. “That was a good kiss.”

“Yeah.” Lucas presses one last closemouthed kiss to Eliott’s lips and then leans his head back a little.

Eliott makes an unhappy sound. He leans down a little and starts sucking at Lucas’ jaw and neck instead.

“How many times do you think we’ve kissed by now?”, he wonders. He feels Eliott exhale at his neck. It makes him shiver.

Eliott leans back a little now to look at him and pretends to actually think about it for a while. “I don’t know. What counts as a kiss?” He pecks Lucas. “This?” Then he leans in again and basically shoves his tongue down Lucas’ throat.

Lucas makes a surprised noise, but his hands fly up to Eliott’s face and hair and he leans into it, sucking at Eliott’s bottom lip, sliding his own tongue against Eliott’s.

They get lost for a while but then Eliott leans back again. His cheeks are flushed, his eyes wide and he has a dopy grin on his face. “Was that a kiss. Like, _one_ kiss? Doesn’t seem right.”

Lucas laughs. “You’re an idiot.”

“You asked!”

Lucas giggles. “Yeah. I’m sure we’ve kissed thousands of times.”

“Bullshit. _Millions_. At _least_.”

“Okay.”

“And we should kiss a million times more.”

“I’d be okay with that”, Lucas says. He cocks his head and looks into those intense eyes he loves so much. “We should go home, so we can kiss a couple million more times.”

“You’re so smart. You have the best ideas.”

“I really do”, Lucas laughs. “I love you.” He pecks Eliott.

“I love you, too.” Eliott kisses him again but has to stop after a while because he’s smiling too much, the kiss all teeth. “You are the most beautiful man I’ve ever met.”

“I would hope so”, Lucas says and winks.

Eliott giggles and presses another kiss to his cheek, then his nose, then his forehead and then his lips. And then he takes a full step back.

“Hey, where are you going?” Lucas makes grabby hands.

“No. We should go. Or we’ll just end up making out in this kitchen for hours and it’ll get really embarrassing at some point.”

“Wouldn’t be the first time.”

“I _know_.” Eliott lets out a long-suffering breath. “ _Believe me_ , I know.” He barks out a laugh. “You will be the death of me.”

Lucas grins. He sometimes still can’t believe he gets to have this. That he got his best friend back after so many years. That he gets to _kiss_ his best friend. That they share all of these memories, they share their problems, their love, their pain, their friends. Their _lives_.

“Let’s go.”

Eliott takes Lucas’ hand and guides him out of the kitchen. The living room is loud and it’s a bit jarring after all the time Lucas just spent wrapped up in his own memories and in Eliott’s mouth.

They wave at Yann and their friends when they leave. Eliott has one arm around Eliott’s shoulder when they sit at the bus stop and his other hand is in Lucas’. Their sides are touching, they share occasional kisses and enjoy the cold and the silence of the night.

“I’m so happy you’re my best friend”, Eliott whispers into Lucas’ hair.

“I love you”, Lucas answers and leans into him.


End file.
